Why Should You Appreciate Your Children?

Many parents struggle with one common aspect: how to keep a balance between praise and admonishing. Instilling discipline and values in the child and also appreciating them for a job well done, without going to the either extreme end of the spectrum is tricky, especially when one wrong practice might impact your relationship, or worse- affect the child's world view about relationships in general. 

Understanding that we ALL have Emotional Needs

Neofreudian Karen Horney proposed that there are three broad clusters of neurotic needs- which when left unmet in interpersonal relationships, can lead to a state of basic anxiety. 

The three categories are:

1. Needs that move you towards others: These neurotic needs cause individuals to seek affirmation and acceptance from others. 
2. Needs that move you away from others: These neurotic needs create hostility and antisocial behavior. 
3. Needs that move you against others: These neurotic needs result in hostility and a need to control other people. These individuals are often described as difficult, domineering, and unkind.

Under these clusters, various needs such as those of affection and approval, partnership, constricting one’s life within a boundary,  need for power,  exploiting others for personal gains, prestige,  personal admiration, personal achievement, independence and perfection.

Using this theory, in your everyday interaction with the child, paying attention to their thoughts, taking an interest in their emotions and displaying empathy helps your connection by satisfying their neurotic needs. Relationships which offer reciprocity in terms of love and respect are mutually benefitting to both sides.

Role of Appreciation

Parents definitely set the foreground for broadly most interactions a person will have and the relationships they will share in the future. A child’s basic perception about themselves and their worldview is influenced by the exchanges they had with their parents.

Realising the significance one may hold as a parent, it is important to be mindful to appreciate the child and motivate them unconditionally. The praise acts as a reinforcement that encourages similar behaviour in the future, however, the frequency and quality of reinforcement will also play a role. 

For instance, before the age of 8, a parent appreciates their child for being able to walk, eat by themselves,  or spell a word correctly. One cannot expect the parent of an older child to issue the same compliments that frequently, however, it is also unfair to push children for bigger rewards without acknowledging how far they've come. 

Ways of Appreciation

1. Directly telling your child you love them might be initially met by bemused reactions, but it is important nonetheless. Some indirect means can be hugging them, providing undivided attention during family time, taking them out for treats or keeping your word in case you promised something. 
2. While you express affection, make sure you don't give meaningless compliments. For instance, a compliment on one’s outfit may not mean a lot to a kid compared to complimenting them for the results of their examination, or vice versa. 
3. Most of us expect ourselves or our near ones to fit into certain boxes of an ideal parent, child or citizen. In case your child strays away from the expectation, let your judgement not cloud your reaction. It may involve developing the patience to listen to them, for they may have a point. 
4. Loving your child unconditionally means encouraging them to do better, but also appreciating them at present. It means giving them treats even if they tried hard but did not succeed, and not torturing them for their mistakes. If your child does not find a safe space with you, they will not bond with you.