“Not Together, Not Broken Up” - The Relationship Churning

From Ted and Robin (How I Met Your Mother) to Ross and Rachel (Friends), the concept of on and off relationships has been observed as a new trend in the relationships of adolescents and young adults these days. Relationship churning is a relatively new term given to relationship instability. Churning is defined as breaking up and going back together (reconciliation) and/or having a sexual connection with an ex, according to research by Halpern-Meekin et al. published in 2012. This phrase also describes the ephemeral character of young people's love relationships, including moments of uncertainty.

Why do I keep running back to my ex?

One out of every 5 college students who have a break up from a romantic relationship asks the very same question, making romantic relationship concerns one of the major causes of adolescents seeking counseling services. Many labels this behavior and the reconciliation as a toxic relationship. But isn't it important to understand why it is happening? 

There are several reasons for this carrossel of break up, patch up behavior:

1. Our denial - we often tend to hold on to a belief that things will change, our partner will end up changing their problematic behavior for the sake of this relationship, and we end up ignoring the signs they give us when they have already made up their mind to end the relationship.
2. Low self-esteem- we are too vulnerable and dependent on our partners that we are scared to be by ourselves, and therefore, we make excuses to justify the wrong behavior of our partners.
3. Ambivalence in relationships- we may dislike the conflicts and disagreements with our partner, but the intense feeling of love doesn't let us walk away.
4.  FOMO- we have a constant fear of missing out; in the world where every 3rd college student has a romantic partner, it becomes a symbol of pride to be involved romantically with someone.
5. Separation anxiety- the fear of being left separation, loneliness, or singlehood can be tough for some people to handle. In such a case, a loved one walking away would seem scary and give rise to many negative feelings.
6. Sense of inadequacy to start over again- it seems easy to go back into an old relationship rather than starting over fresh again. Starting over would require putting in a new amount of effort again with an associated feeling of uncertainty, whereas getting back with the ex seems comfortable.

This type of relationship becomes mentally and emotionally exhausting. Therefore it becomes essential to make yourself aware of the signs when to put an end. The common mistake that people make in these relationships is not recognizing their self-worth and destroying their mental health, which affects other areas of their lives. We become obsessed with the few pleasant days and utilize them to obscure the unpleasant ones. Hence, penning down one's feelings in a journal helps a lot in gaining clarity of how you felt and makes it easy to see the pattern of negativity.  

Lastly, give yourself time to grieve and heal after the relationship is over; self-care is an important factor in bringing things back to normal. 

Reference -

Halpern-Meekin, Sarah, et al. “Relationship Churning in Emerging Adulthood.” Journal of Adolescent Research, vol. 28, no. 2, 2012, pp. 166–188., doi:10.1177/0743558412464524.